


we don't talk anymore like we used to do

by Keira_63



Series: The Queen & Her Lord M [23]
Category: ITV Victoria, ITV Victoria (2016), Victoria (TV)
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, F/M, Friendship, I’m sorry I’m a terrible person, Letters, Lost Love, Love, Not Series 2 Compliant, Vicbourne, diary entries, mutual but unfulfilled love, set after episode 5 of series 1, spoilers for episodes 1-5 of series 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 09:53:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12363141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keira_63/pseuds/Keira_63
Summary: We do not talk much anymore … not like we used to.Letters and diary entries chronicling Victoria and Lord M from her marriage to Prince Albert in 1840 until Lord M's death in 1848.Spoilers for series 1 episodes 1-5. Does not follow series 2.





	we don't talk anymore like we used to do

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the historical characters in Victoria nor do I own the TV series which was written by Daisy Goodwin. Any lines from the show are also not mine and are just borrowed from Daisy Goodwin and ITV Victoria.
> 
> I wrote quite a lot of this before series 2 aired so it doesn’t follow any of that series (despite the Vicbourne moments being tragic but amazing).

_‘We don't talk anymore, we don't talk anymore  
_

_We don't talk anymore, like we used to do’_

_We Don’t Talk Anymore – Charlie Puth feat. Selena Gomez_

 

* * *

 

_Lord Melbourne to Queen Victoria – February 1840_

I hope he treats you as you deserve. I hope you are happy.

Please, tell me that you are happy.

 

_(shredded immediately after writing)_

 

* * *

 

_Lord Melbourne to Queen Victoria – February 1840_

 

Lord Melbourne expresses the hope that Your Majesty’s brief trip with Prince Albert was enjoyable. He regrets that he is unable to visit the palace during his short stay in London next week but the House unfortunately requires his full attention.

He remains, as ever, your devoted servant.

Melbourne

 

* * *

 

_From the diary of Queen Victoria – February 1840_

 

Returned one week ago from a short honeymoon with dearest Albert. It was very enlightening and enjoyable. I do believe I will like marriage excessively.

Lord M has still not come to dinner. He is often at Brocket Hall, and when he is in London he says the House takes up all his time.

That never seemed to be the case before …

* * *

 

_Queen Victoria to Lord Melbourne – March 1840_

Please do not be angry with me, Lord M.

Please come to dinner.

Albert is wonderful and I love him so much … but I miss you. I do not think I will ever stop missing you.

Is it possible to love two men at once?

 

_(unsent but kept, together with a single orchid preserved in wax, in a box hidden in her desk)_

 

* * *

 

_Queen Victoria to Lord Melbourne – March 1840_

 

Lord M,

I know you are at Brocket Hall and likely to remain there.

I understand why you do not wish to visit.

But please do not cease to write. You are still my Prime Minister, still my friend. I still require your advice. I still want it.

I must tell you about my uncle Sussex and his refusal to let Albert walk me into dinner. It was so frustrating and I missed your counsel greatly.

It all worked out in the end. I found a way. But it is thanks to you that I learnt how to navigate court life – I hope you remember that.

How is your commentary on the life of St Chrysostom progressing? Is it peaceful with only the rooks for company?

Do write back soon.

Victoria R

 

* * *

 

_From the diary of Queen Victoria – March 1840_

 

Had a lovely long letter from Lord M today with news of the rooks, greenhouses and his work on St Chrysostom. He tried to sound cheerful but I think he must be lonely. I wish to visit but know that it is unwise.

And I also realise that it would be cruel. I am not naïve, I know why he stays away, why he governs from Brocket Hall.

Perhaps I will send Emma on a visit. I know she would like to see Lord M and then I would know that he had some company.

I am so happy with Albert … but I still miss Lord M dreadfully.

 

* * *

 

_From the diary of Queen Victoria – May 1840_

 

Emma took leave for a few days to visit Lord M at Brocket Hall. On her return she told me that he seemed very well, though busy with dispatches from the House.

I am sure he cannot stay in the country forever. I have so many meetings with Sir Robert Peel now that it almost seems as if _he_ is the Prime Minister and not Lord M – a very distasteful notion, to be sure. Yet Emma seems to believe he is firmly decided to stay out of London as much as possible.

Albert likes Sir Robert, though I cannot yet understand why, for he is still a very awkward man and quite disagreeable with the trouble he has caused Lord M’s government.

 

Meanwhile, news of my pregnancy has spread.

I am still undecided as to my feelings about it. Albert is delighted, and so is mama. Uncle Leopold has written many congratulatory letters and the country rejoices.

But I would have liked a little more time alone with Albert, to enjoy the beginnings of our marriage.

He seems restless recently, my darling husband. He wants occupation, and yet he must realise that _I_ am the Queen, and that England would not take kindly to his interference in government. I do not like to upset him but it must be so.

I only hope he comes to understand.

 

* * *

 

_From the papers of Lord Melbourne – June 1840_

 

An assassin.

Oh God.

He missed, thank God.

But what could have happened? It does not bear thinking of.

The idea of a world without her in it …

She is not hurt. She is not hurt. She is not hurt.

I have not prayed with sincerity for many years. Today I did so.

For her.

 

_(ruined by a spilled glass of brandy, his sixth since hearing the news earlier that day)_

 

* * *

 

_Lord Melbourne to Queen Victoria – June 1840_

 

Lord Melbourne writes with the deepest relief that the Queen and Prince Albert were unharmed following yesterday’s horrific attack.

He expresses his hope that Sir Robert Peel’s men will, with all due haste and diligence, discover the motive behind this heinous crime and ensure that justice is delivered.

Lord Melbourne wishes to visit Buckingham Palace as soon as possible to personally convey his best wishes following this distressing incident. He is however currently indisposed with a mild illness and does not wish to cause any problems for the Queen at this stage in her pregnancy.

 

He remains, devotedly,

Melbourne

 

* * *

 

_From the diary of Queen Victoria – July 1840_

Albert has begun to assist me in my work with the boxes.

Of course I am still the Queen and could not allow him to act for me too much, for the people would not have it, but he has been such a help as my confinement draws ever nearer and my fatigue increases.

It is a very different atmosphere to do the boxes with Albert. He is so serious and does not like to joke as he works.

Perhaps we are more efficient in our work than I once was with Lord M, and I am sure that is a good thing.

But I do miss Lord M’s jokes – what talks we had …

* * *

_From the diary of Queen Victoria – August 1840_

 

My pregnancy progresses and I find it a distasteful situation that makes me so very ungainly.

It seems so odd that just a year ago things were very different. Now I am a wife, soon to be a mother.

It has all happened so fast, and sometimes I yearn for things to be the way they once were.

I was so happy before with Lord M …

 

* * *

 

_From the diary of Queen Victoria – November 1840_

 

Lord M came to see baby Vicky today.

I much preferred his warm and genuine congratulations to the many condolences we have received on the sex of the child from others.

He was not here long and he seemed quite low in spirits, but it was so very good to see him again.

 

* * *

 

_Lord Melbourne to Queen Victoria – December 1840_

 

Lord Melbourne wishes the Queen a very happy festive season and hopes that she will enjoy her first Christmas as a new wife and mother.

He regrets that he will be at Brocket Hall for the entire holiday period and so will be unable to accept any of the Queen’s kind invitations to visit the palace.

 

_(accompanied by a selection of seasonal flowers from the greenhouse at Brocket Hall)_

 

* * *

 

_From the papers of Lord Melbourne – April 1841_

 

There has been much trouble in the House recently and I fear we will be unable to hold the reins of government for much longer.

It will be a relief to leave politics, for it is a tiring, difficult thing.

To take leave of the Queen, however, will be harder than I can say.

 

* * *

_From the diary of Queen Victoria – August 1841_

 

Lord M was here today to tender his resignation as Prime Minister.

I remember that time a few years ago, what they now call the Bedchamber Crisis, and while it is not as painful to part with Lord M now as it would have been then (for I have dear Albert to help me and things must be different) it is still a difficult thing.

There were tears in my eyes and in Lord M’s too – we were both, I think, very much affected by it all.

Sir Robert Peel is a clever man, I have come to realise, but he is not Lord M … no one is quite like Lord M.

 

* * *

 

_Lord Melbourne to Queen Victoria – November 1841_

 

Lord Melbourne sends his congratulations to the Queen and Prince Albert on the birth of the Prince of Wales.

He is sorry to hear that the ordeal was difficult for the Queen and hopes she will keep her spirits up. He is glad that the Queen has such support in Prince Albert, though, and encourages her to make use of the Prince’s many talents.

Lord Melbourne believes the Queen has no reason to fear, as he knows she often does, that the Prince will seek to take her place. He is sure that the Prince remembers that his role is to assist, not to usurp.

He also knows that the Queen is very capable and reminds her to trust herself and her instincts. She is stronger than she knows.

 

* * *

 

_From the papers of Lord Melbourne – July 1842_

 

Two assassination attempts in just over two months.

My God, what is this world coming to?

She is not her uncles, lazy and lecherous and extravagant – no, she is so much better, so much more.

She does not deserve this.

 

* * *

 

_Lord Melbourne to Queen Victoria – July 1842_

Lord Melbourne was very sorry to hear of the unfortunate events of the past months. He is greatly distressed to have to write on such a distasteful subject.

He hopes the Queen was not too upset and is very relieved to hear she was unhurt.

Lord Melbourne strongly condemns the actions of these men and hopes the Queen does not consider them indicative of the public mood. He knows how hard the Queen has always worked for her people and her country and wishes her to know that it does not go unnoticed.

 

* * *

 

_Queen Victoria to Lord Melbourne – August 1842_

 

Lord M,

Thank you for your kind and concerned letter.

I assure you that I am very well. The last few months have been quite shocking but I have persevered.

Still, I do wonder, sometimes, why these men want so badly to kill me. Why do they hate me?

Albert tells me that they are mad. Others say that they wish for attention.

But I still cannot comprehend it.

I miss your counsel, Lord M. I am sure you would help me understand.

 

* * *

 

_Queen Victoria to Lord Melbourne – February 1843_

 

I am terribly sorry, Lord M, to have neglected our correspondence for so long.

Your recent letters have been a great comfort and have also offered much amusement, and I am sorry I have left it so long to respond. It has been a very busy number of months – you have probably heard about my latest pregnancy.

Albert is very well and of so much use to me. He is really the dearest man. It seems odd that we have been married for only three years – sometimes it seems much longer and I find I cannot do without him now.

The children are well – Vicky is extremely clever and little Bertie is a very cheerful boy.

I hope your greenhouse is flourishing.

 

* * *

 

_From the diary of Queen Victoria – April 1843_

 

These days my mind is consumed with so many concerns and cares that I scarcely have time to remember what life was like before my dearest angel Albert became by husband.

But with the new baby I have been reminded of an old friend.

She is a tiny thing, my little daughter, but there is something in her eyes, her expression, that makes me think of Lord M.

And so this baby shall be Alice, for I remember Lord M once telling me that it was his favourite name for a girl.

She is a darling creature, Alice. I hope she grows up to have all of Lord M’s vast capacity for love and his clever, easy manner, and none of the tragedy that has so blighted his life.

 

* * *

 

_Lord Melbourne to Queen Victoria – April 1843_

 

You have called her Alice.

I remember our conversation about the name, on a summer’s day five years ago.

We were so close then, and we are so far apart now.

But I see you were being honest, as you always are.

You do not forget.

Neither do I.

 

_(tearstained and unsent, but kept in a desk drawer until his death, at which point it is forwarded to Victoria)_

 

* * *

 

_From the diary of Queen Victoria – April 1843_

 

I had some beautiful flowers and a lovely little note from Lord M this morning with his congratulations on Alice’s birth.

I think he understands about her name and I am so glad.

 

* * *

_Lord Melbourne to Queen Victoria – September 1843_

 

I have not heard from you recently.

Perhaps I should be worried, but the time has long past when I would receive an answer from you within a few hours.

You have so many concerns now – a country, a family – and that is as it should be. It is selfish of me to wish things could be as they once were.

I wish it anyway, because Brocket Hall is a lonely place sometimes and I miss you.

 

_(never sent)_

 

* * *

 

_From the diary of Queen Victoria – October 1843_

 

A stroke! Poor Lord M has suffered a stroke.

I feel terribly for him, for he has only the servants to attend him at Brocket Hall – no wife or children to brighten his days. But Emma tells me that his brother and sister, with his many nieces and nephews, visit him often.

That is some relief.

 

I heard the news and wanted immediately to go to him. I see him so rarely now but he is still my friend, my very best friend.

I will ask Albert if he thinks it would be appropriate for me to visit.

He is an old friend, after all, who is so ill.

What could be the objection?

 

* * *

 

_From the diary of Queen Victoria – October 1843_

 

Albert does not consider it wise that I visit Lord M.

He says that people might still talk or misconstrue the situation, that it is not appropriate.

I do not understand! I am a married woman with three children and I am not even to spend a day visiting my old Prime Minister?

 

I could go anyway. I am the Queen of England and they cannot stop me.

I love Albert, but … I cannot forget.

 

* * *

 

_From the papers of Lord Melbourne – October 1843_

She came.

It was a short visit but even just that was enough. To see her in person again.

Pain and pleasure mixed together.

It was worth it, though.

I am not as I once was, but for a few minutes it was as if nothing had changed, as if we were again the newly crowned Queen and her Prime Minister.

I love her still.

_(written in shaky, nearly indecipherable handwriting and kept in a locked drawer in his study)_

 

* * *

 

_From the diary of Queen Victoria – October 1843_

 

I went to Brocket Hall.

Albert and I had the most distressing row on my return, nevertheless I stand by my decision.

No one who will say anything knows of the trip and I spend just half an hour there – and only five minutes of that alone with Lord M.

 

He looked so ill, so tired.

He did not look like _my_ Lord M.

It was upsetting. I wept. Lord M wept too.

 

For a little while it was rather like old times, though Lord M’s speech was slow and his movements stiff.

There was something not right, however, something that I fear was broken irrevocably – first by my marriage and then when Lord M resigned.

I know that this is the way things were probably meant to be. I know that no matter the arguments and disagreements between us I love my husband to distraction.

But seeing Lord M like that hurt terribly.

 

* * *

 

_Lord Melbourne to Queen Victoria – August 1844_

 

Lord Melbourne is glad to hear that the Queen was safely delivered of her fourth child and that both she and the baby Prince Alfred are well.

He thanks the Queen for her invitation to see Prince Alfred when he is in London but regrets that he has been a little unwell and does not know when he will next be in town.

 

* * *

 

_From the papers of Lord Melbourne – May 1845_

 

Time marches on and age is a far heavier weight on my shoulders than it was before, back when I was Prime Minister and the Queen made me happier than I had been in a long time.

I do not hear from the Queen often.

I try not to let it bother me … but I find it does.

 

_(tossed into the fire)_

 

* * *

_Lord Melbourne to Queen Victoria – December 1845_

 

I passed by the palace today.

My sister Emily insisted on us coming to London to shop in preparation for Christmas and, as you might remember from those times you have met her, she is not someone easily refused.

The shopping was dull, though I admit the conversation was not (with Emily it never is).

 

I found myself sad, though, as I saw the bright lights of the palace as I returned home.

It reminds me of happier times.

I have my family at Christmas, but not even my nieces and nephews, and their own children, have quite the enthusiasm for the holiday that you did.

I hope you still keep that joy inside you.

 

_(sighed over and never sent)_

 

* * *

 

_From the diary of Queen Victoria – April 1846_

 

I saw some rooks today and thought of Lord M.

I see him only occasionally now – he tends to stay at Brocket Hall and seldom visits London. I do not have the time for visits to him, not with a husband and children, a country and subjects.

We do not talk much anymore … not like we used to.

 

It is my fault, I know.

Lord M writes faithfully almost every month while my replies have become shorter and scarcer as time has gone on.

I could excuse myself. A Queen is always busy, after all, with many duties.

But Lord M deserves better.

 

I will write today. I have a number of engagements but I will make time.

I have neglected Lord M and I will correct my error.

 

* * *

 

_Lord Melbourne to Queen Victoria – May 1846_

 

Lord Melbourne thanks the Queen for the letter sent last month and offers his deepest apologies for the late reply.

He is glad to hear of the good health of Prince Albert and all the young princes and princesses, including the new baby Princess Helena. He thanks the Queen for her solicitous enquiries about his own health and assures her that he is well enough, if a little fatigued.

Lord Melbourne encloses some pages from his study of the life of St Chrysostom – his work on the same is continuing at a slow but relatively steady pace – and he hopes that the Queen will find them interesting.

The Queen must not trouble herself to visit. Lord Melbourne knows how busy she is and would not wish her to neglect her duties or family on his behalf.

Lord Melbourne was much entertained by the Queen’s stories of her children, and also thinks fondly on those memories she mentioned of riding together in the park.

He has been unable to tend to his greenhouses much recently but is pleased to inform the Queen that some flowers have bloomed despite the lack of attention. He sends with his letter a selection of these, but is sorry to say that there are currently no orchids.

 

He remains, ever devotedly,

Melbourne

 

* * *

 

_Lord Melbourne to Queen Victoria – September 1846_

 

I dreamt last night of your coronation ball, of the feel of you in my arms.

I dreamt of what might have been if I had kissed you then, instead of sending you away.

How magnificent it would have been to kiss you just once.

 

_(begun when only half awake – violently ripped up and then thrown into the fire when sense prevailed)_

 

* * *

 

_Queen Victoria to Lord Melbourne – February 1847_

 

Dear Lord M,

I am sorry to write so short a letter but I never seem to have much time anymore.

Albert and the children are all well. Albert has been elected Chancellor of the University of Cambridge after a very close contest with the Earl of Powis and I am so proud of him.

I thank you for sending your thoughts on Ireland as I requested. You note that they are rather out of date, as you have not been there in some time, but I am sure they will be of great use. This famine is a dreadful situation and I should like to do what I can to help.

Victoria R

 

* * *

 

_Lord Melbourne to Queen Victoria – September 1847_

 

Sometimes I wish you would write more than pleasantries and vague reminisces. We used to talk about everything, you and I – I miss that more than I can say.

Of course it is always nice to hear news of Prince Albert and your children, but you never say how you are, not beyond the superficial ‘quite well’.

 

I do not leave Brocket Hall often, but when I do I sometimes hear it said that Prince Albert is King of England in all but name.

I find I cannot believe it. You fought too long and too hard for your independence and freedom to give it up, even to your husband.

 

_(written in a state of some agitation and burnt rather than sent)_

 

* * *

_From the diary of Queen Victoria – June 1848_

 

There is revolutionary fever across Europe.

I worry for my safety, and that of my family.

Lord M once told me that the English were not revolutionary people and I hold onto that every day.

I hope he was right.

 

* * *

 

_Lady Emma Portman to The Duchess of Sutherland  – August 1848_

 

William is very ill indeed.

I wondered whether I should inform the Queen, but William must know my thoughts for he tells me not to let her know, that she need not be troubled by this.

I cannot tell if he believes he will be well soon or if he seeks to spare the Queen any pain. I fear it is the latter.

The end may be close. William is still himself in his mind, if more prone than ever to dozing off, but his body fails more and more every day.

I do not wish to place this burden onto you, Harriet, but please watch the Queen and note her state of mind. I am sure you will know best whether this news should be transmitted or kept from her.

Letters from the palace for William are rare now, but I know there is still a connection despite their distance.

I do not know what to do.

 

* * *

 

_Lord Melbourne to Queen Victoria – November 1848_

 

The end approaches. I wish I could pretend otherwise but I know it to be true.

My life has been full of both good and bad but, though I leave behind little in terms of legacy, I consider it a success because I think … I hope, that I did what I could to help you, that I was a friend when you most needed one.

 

I believe you know my feelings as well as if they were your own. Yet I feel I must write something anyway. I want to record it, if only so that I know you were never in any doubt.

I have loved and lost in my life, many times over. But you, Victoria, were my last.

My last love and my last loss.

You gave me some of the happiest years of my life.

Thank you for that.

 

Ever yours

William

 

_(written in a shaky hand but with a clear mind, hours before he lapsed into an unconsciousness from which he would never awaken. Passed to the Queen a number of weeks after his death by Emma Portman and kept by her until her own death decades later)_

 

* * *

 

_From the diary of Queen Victoria – November 1848_

 

I learnt today of Lord M’s sad death.

I do not know quite how to feel.

 

It affects my day to day life in no way – Lord M and I have seldom met these last five years and he rarely ventured from Brocket Hall. Politics have no place now for one such as he is … was.

But it hurts my heart.

 

Lord M was everything to me to begin with. And though I love Albert fiercely I also know that I loved Lord M too. Two such different men I have loved, but with neither has the emotion been weak or false.

Albert is my present and future but Lord M was that delightful past that I always remember so fondly. He showed me what love was, supported me and believed in me when no one else did.

 

You never forget your first love.

 

_(page torn from her diary and placed in the box hidden inside her desk. Replaced by a calmer, blander account of the day)._

 

* * *

 

_I’ve heard it said_

_Time cures all things_

_Yet there are some people_

_Who seep into your veins_

_Burning through each layer_

_Like a second skin_

_And nothing …_

_Not even time can cure_

_An eternal longing._

 

_By N R Hart_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
